I won’t drag it out, but I do hope that you’ll stick around and read ALL of what I’m about to say because I want you to know and understand how I FEEL about all of this…
The news is “non celebratory.” According to the doctor it is an irregular pregnancy. There is a fetus there, which was more than I was expecting (a bit shocking actually, since I was pretty sure it was most definitely a blighted ovum) but there was no heartbeat and the gestational sac is abnormal. The doctor offered to do a D&C but I declined and requested a follow up ultrasound, which he scheduled for next week. I’m not hoping to go in for that ultrasound and suddenly see a perfect baby with a heartbeat in an ideal sac (whatever that is) but I want to be absolutely sure that things are in fact what he says they are so I can decide what to do next. “They” always say to get a second opinion, so that’s what I’m doing, essentially.
I’m not referring to this as “bad news”. To me it’s just news. I know you won’t believe me when I say “I’m okay!” But I really am. This doesn’t mean I’m not sad or disappointed, I am both of those things. I’ve had a couple of small cries and expect a good sized meltdown in my near future. But that sadness and disappointment is balanced with a sense of relief and gratitude. Not only do I no longer have to wonder if I’m pregnant but I take great solace in knowing that getting pregnant is possible; after 20 years of infertility, that’s a big deal!
I fully expect a roller-coaster of emotions in the coming weeks, but in the end, I know that I will be okay. I live by the words, “everything is temporary.” Just as joy is temporary, so is pain.
I want to go into all of this more because there’s so much I want to tell you about how I FEEL but I am going to allow myself to decompress a bit, process all of these THINGS and then once I feel like I can share responsibly– meaning fully explain how I feel in a way that conveys my truth, I will do that.
For now, just know that this is just one of the many bumps in my road of life. There have been plenty in my past and hopefully there will be many more in my future. They may slow me down a little, but I never stop moving forward. So bring on the bumps, that’s how I know I’m living.
Thank you EVERYONE for all of your love and support. I will say it again, I am a lucky girl!
PS: I wouldn’t complain if takes a little while to get to the next bump! It’s been a bumpy few months! Sheesh!