Okay, so I’m now 11 weeks pregnant and I’m happy to report that things seem to be getting a little less overwhelming and dare I say, maybe even a little bit more enjoyable.

The nausea…

The nausea is almost completely under control thanks to eating all of the beans, all of the time! Seriously.

I read an article all how HCG (the pregnancy hormone) causes the liver to secrete extra bile (the digestive enzyme that breaks down fatty acids) leaving us to feel nauseated. It’s essentially because the surplus bile that is being secreted when no food is present just sits in the duodenum (a part of the stomach) all by itself trying to digest nothing, making us feel like our insides are eating themselves. AKA, nausea, AKA morning sickness, AKA never-ending morning sickness unless you CONSTANTLY EAT— which is what I was doing at first, mostly crackers and other crap foods that left me with an immediate 10lbs weight gain AND wheat belly on top of the nausea. Fun!

The article said that the best remedy for morning sickness is beans because they are the best source of soluble fiber which moves the bile out of the duodenum, and doesn’t allow it to be reabsorbed/recycled in the blood stream, leaving our bodies no other choice than to poop it out! YAY!

I love science. And the human body. And the wonderful, common-sense healing properties of FOOD!

So, if you’ve been eating crackers or any other foods constantly to keep nausea at bay (refer to the reason this works above) or if you aren’t able to eat at all due to nausea, I HIGHLY recommend the bean approach! My nausea went away almost instantly with just a few bites every few hours for 3 days and just one serving once a day, since.

Beans, beans, the MIRACLE fruit! hehehe Seriously, read that article if you don’t believe me, or better yet, just try it and you’ll be amazed!

The bonus to not feeling nauseated all the time and not feeling like I have to be eating constantly in order to NOT be feel like my guts are digesting themselves, is that I feel far more in control of my diet. I definitely have some aversions to things I used to love– things like SPAGHETTI SQUASH, which just makes me sad, but I’m eating more regular meals and fewer snacks. That whole constant eating thing was kind of stressing me out…A LOT! (more on that in a bit)

The peeing…

I wake up at 1AM every night to pee and then again at 4AM and 6:30AM. Almost on the dot.

During the day the peeing doesn’t bother me. I mean, it kind of does, just because I HATE peeing…always have, always will. It’s such a time suck and SO boring! Brett will tell you, I’m the worst. I will talk about needing to pee for hours and wait until the last possible second before I actually take the time to do the ridiculously mundane task. Yes, I’m a weirdo.

By the time this pregnancy is over, I’m sure I’ll be used to it but for now it’s just annoying. I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO, YO!

The Sleeping…

Oh good gawd, the sleeping!

Actually, that’s gotten a bit better too.

I had 4 days without a nap last week. That was pretty exciting! I even got some yard work done, several chores, a few trips to Lowe’s and spent time with friends. Of course on the fifth day I crashed and burned, but those four days were glorious! And I can’t wait for that to be my normal again.

I’m sure fueling myself better is helping with the energy levels and I know that will improve with time too. Just trying to be patient— really hoping the second trimester switch will flip early…or at least exactly one week from today! HA!

I’m also having lots of weird dreams. My sister-in-law warned me about that and I told her, eh, I ALWAYS dream…and it’s true, I do. But these dreams are different. They’re no weirder than usual, but they last all the way until I wake up and usually continue if I fall right back to sleep– which is unusual. Not a problem, just…interesting.

The Pressure…

Dude. Being pregnant is a LOT of pressure. I mean, not only am I responsible for my life and the unborn baby’s life (which is officially a fetus, no longer an embryo as of today– high five!) but there’s this HUGE amount of pressure to do everything right, not just for me and for my baby, but for all of the other people are emotionally invested in this unborn child’s life.

I know how dramatic that sounds but it’s true. If I do something to screw this up– get too hot, eat contaminated meat, fall and land on my stomach, inhale too many fumes, accidentally electrocute myself, whatever…and I miscarry or have a child born with a preventable disability that I caused, I won’t be letting just myself down, but all of the other people who already love this baby too. Brett, family, friends…YOU! And I can’t help but think that I this is how it will be for the rest of my life. Worrying constantly about someone else’s life.

It’s crazy, I know, but it’s true. And I’m guessing I’m not alone in this feeling either. Anyway…

The Weight Gain…

So I’m 11 weeks pregnant and have already gained 10lbs. Fun times. Not really. And more so, this is NOT a good trend!

You know that I am completely honest in my blogs so here is a dose of just that…

I’m not happy about this gain, especially since I was already 10lbs up from my comfy weight when I got pregnant. Between the wonky diet (AKA a lot of crap) and frequent meals, has created a huge increase in calories. I’ve been tracking and I’m averaging about 2,500 calories a day, sometimes more. That coupled with an extreme lack of even normal activity (sleeping and lying on the couch doesn’t require many calories), my body has no choice but to store the surplus as fat, because that’s its job. But I still hate it. My body feels so foreign…again.

I’ve gotten wider ALL OVER, none of my clothes fit, and my body composition is in the toilet.

It bothers me…a lot. Like a lot, a lot. BUT, I also know that because I used to weigh 328lbs, and was significantly overweight for almost 30 years, my fat cells are primed and ready, just waiting to expand. They know exactly how to store extra fuel for me and my metabolism is an expert at doing just that. So to think that I am going to get out of this unscathed is unrealistic.

The way I see it is that I have two choices: I can completely succumb to this, throw in the towel and say, “oh well!” or I can do my best to combat it. My BEST.

The thing is, if I’m not actively dieting and exercising, I’m gaining weight. My metabolism is a pro at fat storage and not so good at fat usage. Period. This is not a bad thing, it’s just a thing, the way my body works. I have learned this about my body and have learned to manage it.

However, because I don’t have the energy to exercise like I was before, and because I have new aversions to things like spaghetti squash and raw veggies and am eating more starchy foods like beans and oats (I have cut wheat for the month of November!) avoiding weight gain feels impossible. I mean, I know I’m going to gain weight, I’m growing a freaking baby, but I’d like to keep it to a reasonable amount, and not have to start all over again after this baby is born– or when he/she is 3 or 7 or 15 years old. Ugh.

So, here I am accepting that weight gain is inevitable, doing my best with what I’m able to do to FEEL my best, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and remembering to love my body for what it does for me– which right now, is creating new life. And that’s some pretty cool shit.

My only goal/hope/desire is to have a body that’s healthy enough to carry a baby full-term, strong enough to get through labor and delivery, well enough to recover, and happy enough to get faster, stronger, better in the future.

We’ll see how it goes. I can’t say that I’m not scared, but I’m also learning to be okay with how things are right now and look forward to the future, whatever that may be.

The Joy…

I mentioned in my last blog-post that miscarriage is a joy killer. And that’s still true. For several weeks I was unable to embrace the idea that this might be a viable pregnancy. I’m still a bit hesitant to allow myself to truly celebrate, it is getting easier to relax and believe that this might actually work. Although I have felt much more confident during this pregnancy than I did with the last one, I still find myself having a hard time committing to “when we have a baby,” wanting to play it safe with “if we have a baby.” It’s getting better with each passing day and continued onset of symptoms, but it’s still hard to let go of the fear and embrace pure joy.

I have my 12 week appointment next week as well as my old lady genetic counseling appointment (that’s what happens when you get pregnant when you’re almost 40) and I think (hope) that will help put my mind at ease so I can let go of at least some of this fear and start feeling excited anticipation rather than just nervous anxiety.

The Brain…

I was planning to end this post with “The Joy” but I decided that “The Brain” needed some attention too because, DUDE! My brain is in the shitter. For real.

Not only is my brain not getting the amount of oxygen it used to get before it all started going to my uterus, but my ADD is out of control.

I don’t talk about it much, but I have really bad ADD (like a real diagnosis and crap) and usually take Adderall daily out of pure necessity. (I’m someone who avoids Tylenol, if that tells you anything) I take the smallest dose once a day, but it’s just enough to allow me to focus for a few hours so I can be productive and feel like I’m contributing to…well…life. However, because of the pregnancy I have chosen to stop taking the Adderall, and let me tell you, EVERYTHING is suffering. (Case in point: I actually started writing this post last week when I was 10 weeks pregnant and had to go back and update “10” to “11” before writing the rest today)

The problem with true ADD (not just scatterbrain or a short attention span) is that it affects every area of one’s life, and when left untreated it can cause depression due to the inability to focus and function. I’m teetering there right now.

My doctor says that the decision to take meds during pregnancy should be determined by weighing the risks vs benefit. She said that if the ADD is affecting me in a way that causes unnecessary stress, then medication is the right choice. Most days I feel like this is a no brainer but at the same time I think, I’m not going to DIE because of ADD, I’m just going to constantly feel frustrated and want to crawl under the covers in my bed when it gets overwhelming. That’s a pretty safe place to hang out, as far as danger goes. But it’s not fun.

This is especially annoying because I have so many projects that I was working on before I got pregnant that are all just kind of dangling right now– the cookbook, the Lifestyle Makeover course, redesigning my website and several other things. I’m trying VERY HARD to be patient with myself about these things, doing the best I can with the VERY limited amount of brain power I have right now. I take advantage of the days when I feel well rested and somewhat capable of complete thoughts and get as much done as humanly possible first thing in the morning when my one cup of coffee is in full swing.

I just keep telling myself that like everything else in life, this is only temporary and I am learning to manage it as I go. One day at a time.