Well, I’m less than five weeks from the day of my surgery (December 19th) and less than three weeks from the first day of the two-week-long dreaded liquid diet!

This whole surgery thing has sparked an array of emotions that I hadn’t really expected. When I first decided that surgery was my best (only) option I felt at peace. It had been a long time coming. Something that had been mentioned to me by others but something that I wouldn’t even consider because I didn’t want to put off getting pregnant in order to have the surgery. Once we decided we didn’t want to have kids that excuse no longer existed so I was free to do whatever I wanted.

At my initial surgical consult, I learned that I was going to have to do a three month doctor supervised weightloss plan but I wasn’t going to be able to see the doctor for over a month from the day of the consult. So even though I had made the decision in May, had gone to the seminar in late May, had the consult the first of June…it was going be July 14th before I’d be able to start the required “plan”– it seemed like an eternity.

Come September, we found out that our insurance was going to change as of January 1st and I started to freak out a little. I’d already done everything except my last follow-up visit and I was ready! So ready to get the surgery DONE! And I started worrying that the insurance company wasn’t going to cover it. No Bueno!

I knew there was nothing I could do other than wait and be patient but that wasn’t easy.

On October 14th, I went for my last follow up appointment. The doctor signed off on everything so that it could be sent off to the insurance company. While checking out, the clerk told me that they would send everything over to the insurance company the next day and that my insurance company usually take about six weeks to get an authorization so I could expect my surgery to be around the first of the year. WHAT?! NO! I explained to her that my insurance was going to change and that I really needed to get it done before the first of the year so she called the lady in the office who handles the insurance stuff and left her a message to call me.

That was a Tuesday. She didn’t call. So Thursday I called her and explained the situation. She said that she was sending everything over that day and I’d probably hear something within 3-4 weeks. Grrrrr!

Not an hour went by that I didn’t think about my surgery. Wondering if it was going to happen, knowing that it was completely out of my hands. It was up to someone who had never met me to decide if my surgery would be paid for and since it wasn’t something I could afford out of pocket I felt like my future was in that person’s hands.

For the past several months, ever since I’d decided to have the surgery, I felt like a whole new world had been opened up for me or at least WILL be opened up for me next year. As long as I can remember I’ve been living for, next year. I’ve been on a diet, trying to lose weight for all of my adult life, saying to myself “next year I’m going to go kayaking.” “Next year, I’m going to ride the roller coasters and Carrowinds” “Next year I’ll be able to buy that dress” “Next year….” I’ve been living for next year for 15+ years! And now, FINALLY NEXT YEAR WILL COME! Hooray for surgery! If it get’s approved. Crap,what if it doesn’t get approved? Then what? And what have I been doing for the past 15 years? How much of my life, the best time of most people’s lives, have I wasted? I mean, I haven’t just sat around and done nothing but there have certainly been MAJOR things that I have put off doing for as long as I can remember. And always living for “next year?” Yeah, that blows.

So I spent most of September and October feeling sorry for myself, realizing just how much of my life I’ve wasted. I’m still not over it but I am feeling more optimistic– sort of.

I ended up get the authorization on Tuesday, October 25th. Just four working days after the paperwork had been submitted. HOLY COW! That’s like record time! I was elated! It felt like I had just been cast as Mrs. Lovett in Sweeny Todd. A goal that I had set out to accomplish had been attained! I did it! It’s really going to happen!

All day Tuesday I was beaming! As well as most of Wednesday, part of Thursday, some of Friday…by the follow Monday I was only barely beaming. As of today, I’m mostly beaming but the reality had certainly set in.

I’m not really scare of dying- the likelihood of that is extremely slim, however, it is major surgery and of course that risk is there. The way I see it, I’m barely living so that small risk is one I’m willing to take. Besides, if I do die, I’ll be dead, I won’t even know or care, it’s my friends and family that I worry about. But only a little, because I’m not planning on dying. Moving on. What the realization/fear that has really set in is- failing. I’ve failed at so many diets and so many attempted lifestyle changes. I have so many learned bad habits and issues with food and since I’ve never been much of a self motivator, how will I do this on my own? How will I be successful? Growing up, I was never taught to expect to succeed. I was taught to expect to fail. Of course I was never told, “you’re going to fail” but I always had hear the words of “the devil’s advocate”. Apparently my family has a direct line to Satan. This is not a bash against my family, this is a realization of the affects of negative thinking even though they meant well.

So now I’m working to try to over come these fears. I’m seeing a psychologist who is helping me to work through this stuff. She is taking a logical route. Telling me I should make a plan, set a schedule and get regimented. Until this very moment (literally just had an epiphany) I was fighting her tooth and nail. But she’s right. For whatever reason, emotional problem solving is not my forte. At least not solving my OWN emotional problems. Instead of searching for solutions I search for answers. (Mom, I know you’re reading this…you do the same thing!) The fact of the matter is, that it doesn’t matter WHY I eat or WHY I do much of anything, instead it’s a matter of HOW to fix it.

I suddenly feel better. Deep breath.

I’m sure I will have more ups and downs before December 19th but I’m going to try to focus on solving the problem with real, tangible tactics rather than looking for some answer to make it all make sense.

The End.