I recently realized that my sense of mortality is holding me back. Not so much the dying part, but the aging part. I just turned 34 and leading up to this birthday, for the last few years in fact, I’ve been feeling like my life was almost over. I think a lot of it has to do with my weight and constantly feeling sluggish and unable to do the things I actually want to do but I’m also acutely aware of my mom at 40.
Leading up to my mom’s 40th birthday she became temporarily disabled and temporarily bed ridden because of her back. My memory is foggy because I was young when it happened, but I do know that from there things got worse, more permanent. I don’t remember how long she was laid-up, might have been three days, might have been a week, might have been longer. But I do know that she was in a lot of pain and that pain led to more pain which eventually ended up requiring spinal surgery and two knee replacements– she has been on permanent disability ever since.
These days she gets around just fine, but she can’t work long hours and still has certain limitations. I have never seen my mom run or jump. I have never seen her hike or kayak or canoe or swim in a lake, river or ocean– I don’t know if I’ve ever seen my mom sit on her knees. This has completely warped my sense of age and ability.
My mom has been overweight for as long as I’ve known her, she’s been lighter than she is now and she’s also been a lot heavier too. This is my normal. This is what I’ve always expected for myself. I thought being thin and fit and active was for others and I have always been jealous of that.
But not anymore. I WILL learn to live my life the way I want to live it. YES I WILL!
I have one more doctor appointment left in order to meet all of the prerequisites for gastric by-pass surgery and I can’t wait! As long as the insurance company authorizes it: This will be my last summer wishing I could white water raft, my last fall wanting to go to Carrowinds, my last winter not going snow-tubing. Next year is MINE! I WILL do all of the things that I have been putting off for years because this is the year that I will start living!
I accomplished quite a bit these first 34 years, I can’t wait to see what the next 34 bring!
PRESS HIGHLIGHTS
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Andrea, In my defense regarding my disabling condition before I turned 40, I think you forget that what caused my problems was not because I was obese, it started with the condition in my back called spondylolithesis which is something you can be born with, caused from a fall or some other circumstance. My knee condition was probably exacerbated by my weight, but it is also hereditary unfortunately for you. Remember that Grama, Aunt Helen and Uncle Fred all had double knee replacements and Nana didn’t have great knees, either. Of course they were much older than I was and I’m sure my lifetime of carrying around extra weight sped up the process for me.
Unfortunately, this has led to a less than great quality of life for me, but I make the best of what I can do in spite of it all. No, I can’t make long term commitments to work for any length of time and I do live in pain most of the time, but I try to keep the complaining to a minimum. I live with the hand I was dealt and live one day at a time. Some are good, some are bad, some really suck but life goes on.
I hope you are not going to use your new body to preach to those of us who are left behind with weight issues. It hurts me to think that you have accepted the way you are as the normal based on how I’ve been throughout your life. I’m referring to this excerpt from your blog. “My mom has been overweight for as long as I’ve known her, she’s been lighter than she is now and she’s also been a lot heavier too. This is my normal. This is what I’ve always expected for myself. I thought being thin and fit and active was for others and I have always been jealous of that.”
Fat adults have “normal” sized children and normal sized adults can have overweight children. Yes, some of it can be controlled but for the most part, we are who we are. Don’t be like many medical people and assume that all fat people have high blood pressure, heart disease and will end up diabetic. Remember that there are people who have never been overweight, never smoked or drank, who exercise regularly and who eat all the right stuff who have all these health problems.
I hope you will never be one to judge the rest of us based on what you see on the outside because you experienced your metamorphosis. That would be so unfair and not the Andrea most people have known and loved. Remember to always have compassion for those who may not have the opportunity you do or desire to make the change you are making.
I truly hope that this will be the solution to many of your lifelong issues but please never forget where you came from. I love you.
Thank you very much for your concern. Gastric by-pass is certainly not something to be taken lightly. I have debated doing it for years, but after MANY failed attempts at diet and exercise, I am confident that this is what I need to do in order to get my life back. The way I’m living right now is not living at all. And the benefits of surgery far outweigh the risks for me. I plan to see a therapist on a regular basis to make sure I am making the right choices and to deal with any underlying issues that affect my unhealthy lifestyle.
I truly appreciate your concern and hope you’ll check back with me in a few months to see how I am doing- hopefully I will be reporting good news!
Please consider not doing the gastric by pass. Someone I know had the procedure done a few years ago.. weight loss happened rapidly… watched the food intake for two years… Life was shinning again when tried many successfully adventures… Well now in the future.. the food intake is not been watched and recently almost all the weight came back….. Now the procedure cannot be reversed and the diet still needs to be watched and suffer discomfort for the rest of her life. On the other hand, I know three individuals that followed the weight watchers philosophy successfully. One loss 55 lbs in a little over a a year and able to keep the weight off … The second loss over 100 lbs in two years and gained back 50 after pregnancy… Now she started to lose weight again… and the last one loss over 45 lbs in a year gained back 25 lbs during another year then recently loss over 30 lbs in six months and being able to keep this weight off for over six month. This last person is myself and I am not even a member or go to the meetings.. I am just following the philosophy of portion control, exercise and eating every type of food with moderation. I know I have been less than perfect… It takes a few tries to get it right .. but I found motivation in the desire to be around for my loved ones … If God permits for many years. The main point I am trying to make is ….if someone gets the gastric by pass procedure done… The food intake still needs to be watched and it can be worst than a diet plan… There are many foods that will not agree with the modified digestive system and the end result could be discomfort… because the body will never be the same again. I thought I share some first hand information with you to try to prevent in your life the bad experience this person I know is going thru… It is very sad for me not to see the lively spark and energetic personality this person had before the gastric by pass. Good luck to you.