Today is Tuesday, December 13th and in seven days I will go under the knife! I love how dramatic that sounds!

I have been on a liquid diet for ELEVEN days! I’m so proud of myself. I thought these two weeks would be impossible but it’s been pretty easy. In fact, these last couple of days I’ve barely had an appetite at all. I won’t say that I don’t miss or care about food, that would be a lie. But I’ve had literally NO cravings- temptations yes, but cravings, no. It probably helps that I’ve made every effort to avoid any kind of temptation- haven’t gone to a restaurant, won’t watch food commercials and try hard not to pay too close attention to people eating in movies or on TV, but I still live with a food-eater and some times his food looks and smells SO good! Last night it was saltines dipped in Ranch Dressing- a snack I would usually dismiss but instead it made my mouth water. I could taste the light and airy, salty, crunchy saltines with the sweet-savory tang of the Ranch. I looked at Brett and said, “one bite! just one!” But he didn’t hand me one so I just looked away. Actually, I think I got up and washed some dishes.

You may be thinking, that if I can have this kind of will-power right now, why can’t I just lose the weight without surgery. I’ll tell you…because two weeks is doable, but MONTHS of this- no way! It’s not sustainable- nor is it healthy. Three weeks from now I SHOULD (providing everything goes smoothly) be able to eat about a tablespoon of “egg salad” and let me tell you how much I’m looking forward to that! SO forward!

I’ve been doing a lot of reading of other people’s weight-loss experiences on random blogs- I’ve found it’s a good way to keep me focused on the prize. I’m immensely grateful to those who shared their stories- I am feeling more prepared for what’s to come.

I know there will be many physical changes, which I’m SO looking forward to but the mental and emotional changes are, I think, going to be the most challenging and perhaps the most dramatic. I can already feel myself getting antsy.

Over the past few years I’ve created a bit of an insulated cell for myself- a very “safe” environment and have all but given up on things that used to make me happy. Acting, mostly. I haven’t even done a show for three years. I’ve gone to a couple of auditions for things I barely cared about, but I haven’t had the energy, confidence or ambition to actively pursue any roles. I thought that it was because I’d fallen out of love with it but I’m realizing now that I’m feeling hopeful about my future; that I just shoved my desires down so I wouldn’t have to think about them.

These past eleven days have been quite eye opening. Sad and exciting all at the same time. I didn’t realize just how much I haven’t felt like myself in so long. I haven’t felt truly happy in…a while. I mean, I’m happy, or at least, I’m not unhappy. But I haven’t felt that feeling of pure JOY in a long time. I felt joy when the kids were here- but it wasn’t pure joy. It was circumstantial joy. Even when I laugh, there is a feeling of literal (not figurative) weight behind my eyes, in my head and on my shoulders. It’s physical. I can feel it. (Might just be the weight of being pulled down by the size of my giant ass- figuratively and literally!) But I didn’t even notice it until just this week. I guess it’s probably depression- the circumstantial kind, hopefully. So like I said, this is both sad and exciting…and a little bit terrifying- but I’m trying not to think about that right now. Okay, maybe I will- just for a minute.

I have two friends who had the surgery last year who have both recently ended their marriages. This scares the ever living shit out of me. I have a gypsy spirit as it is, and the thought of changing so much in this next year to the point of wanting to leave my husband is very upsetting. I know that they both had issues in their marriages long before the surgery and they say that the end was inevitable, but that doesn’t make me feel concerned about my own. I love Brett with almost every ounce of my heart. (The other couple of ounces currently belong to Zooey Deschanel.) But I also know, like I said before, that I can feel change a-comin’. I’m getting antsy- not in my marriage, but in my job, my goals, what defines me. Are we going to survive? I have ZERO intention of leaving him…ever. But what happens if I decide that I NEED to go do “something”- like pursue the career that I’ve avoided for the last several years and he is unwilling to participate? Or what if I get so full of myself that I suddenly think I’m too good for him (I don’t think that possible). Or what if I get so annoying that he can’t stand it anymore or what if I turn into a complete emotional wreck and go crazy and have to be institutionalized or, what if, what if, what if?

THESE THINGS HAPPEN PEOPLE!

I talk myself down from these thoughts, reminding myself that there’s really no way of knowing what the next year will be like. I tell myself, remember last December?

One year ago toady, I was sitting in a hospital room with my sister waiting for my nephew to be born- wanting so badly to be the one giving birth. Brett and I were preparing for our trip to spend the Holidays with friends and family in Phoenix and we had just spent that last several months preparing our home for foster children, 2 children ages 2-6.

My nephew will be a year old tomorrow, I no longer talk to my in-laws (the ones we were spending the holidays with), we ended up with 3 foster children, 7, 9 and 11 who have since gone on to be with their birth-mom and Brett and I have no interest in having children what-so-ever. ONE YEAR! Oh and surgery? Yeah, surgery wasn’t even a consideration!

With all of this said, one year from now I’d like to be writing a blog about our recent trip to Costa Rica where we zip-lined and white water rafted through the rain forest, laid on white sandy beaches, shopped at the street-markets and swam in the ocean…Brett and I had an amazing time. Our new and healthy life together is everything we dreamed it would be…Oh and I have the best job in the whole wide world, _________.