They’ll say, “Pity me, I’m infertile!” Ok, not really. That would be funny though wouldn’t it? Come on, just a little? Imagine me and thousands of other women walking around in mint green shirts with bold black letters… PITY ME, I’M INFERTILE!

I suppose it might make some people feel uncomfortable, but at least it would be out there. I mean, it’s already the elephant in the room, isn’t it?

As a 32 year old woman, my biological clock is ticking and my maternal instincts are locked and loaded. Most of my friends already have children and they are all well aware that I want them too. Sometimes we talk about it, especially if I’m feeling really down– they are all very supportive and are always there for me when I need them. I am EXTREMELY fortunate in the friend department.

However, this doesn’t change the fact that I want to be pregnant more than anything in the world and that they already have what I want and worry I will never get.

This can sometimes leave me feeling awkward…

Now you may be thinking that the awkwardness would be on their part, but it’s not. It’s actually my own discomfort. I love and value all of my friends, and the ones with kids…well I get to love them double and some of them triple! (none quadruple..yet) I feel very fortunate to be a part of their children’s lives– to play with them, snuggle them and watch them grow. But it doesn’t stop there…I also love watching my friends grow. From single, to married, to motherhood. (usually in that order)

My once wild and crazy girlfriends are now completely monogamous, relatively sober and 100% committed to being moms. It’s really quite beautiful.

At the same time, our conversations have grown. Now we talk more about organic foods rather than how many calories are in a Red Bull and Vodka and tell each other about the great deal we got on a new set of dishes instead of the cute shirt we bought at Ross the other day. (We’ve always been thrifty) Most topics are still subjects to which I can contribute. BUT…there are also several that I can’t. Co-sleeping, Cloth Diapers, how to make baby food, labor and delivery, nursing, and immunizations…to name a few.

This doesn’t bother me, well not in the sense that I don’t like or want to talk about these things. BUT, there’s only so much that I can contribute and that’s when I begin to feel a little awkward- although not the way you may think.

I admit, sometimes is makes me sad, and sometimes I get that pain behind my eyes as I fight to keep the tears from welling up, but that’s still not what bothers me. What bothers me is completely self induced. I feel like, they worry they feel like they can’t talk about baby things in front of me because it might make me sad.

This is especially at the front of my mind right now because of a conversation that took place this weekend.

Two of my girlfriends were over with their kids. We had just finish eating soup after sledding in the backyard for a couple of hours. The kids were in the living room with husbands watching cartoons and playing with cars and we were sitting around the table chatting. (kinda like in the movies) We have it pretty good!

Well, somehow the topic of sleeping came up and they began discussing their individual family’s sleeping arrangements. They were talking about how they all fit in one bed, and how much easier it is to nurse, and so on. For some reason, I was feeling especially emotional that day and began to feel that recognizable ache coming from right between my eyes. I quickly stood up and began clearing dishes. I went into the kitchen took a deep breath and returned to the dining room listening to their conversation the entire time. Each time I entered the kitchen I let out an relieving exhale, pushing the tears down a little further with every breath. After a few trips I finally decided to jump in…contributing the only thing I could think to say. It went a little something like this-

“I know it’s not the same, because well, he’s a dog. But last night, Joe actually laid on the bed next to me and fell asleep. It was so sweet.”

Trying to feel more like a mom I continued…

“He will lay with me sometimes, but as soon as I wiggle even a toe, he jumps down.”

Pointing out the sacrifices I make as a mom too…

“So I just laid there in a really uncomfortable position for almost an hour just so he could sleep.”

Now I DO love my dog. And he is like my child. But he’s still a dog. I don’t care how much you may love your dog, or how much I love my dog (which is A LOT!) it’s not the same as loving a child. I will not even try to convince myself that it’s the same. I am fully aware that it’s not. I do know, however, that I can’t even imagine what it must feel like to love a child considering how much I love that Joe-dog.

Sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode with the love I have for him. If he were a person…I may not survive!

Moving on.

So yeah, I love my dog. And I laid there for an hour in a really uncomfortable position so that he could sleep.

Well as soon as I blurted out this story to them I felt like a jerk. I know they just thought, “aw, that’s sweet” because they both said something to that affect. I also know that they meant it. But I immediately felt responsible for making things awkward by drawing attention the fact that they have children and I have a dog. The thing is, they had no idea. They thought I was just clearing the table, that I could only carry three things at a time, that I was just telling a funny story. They didn’t realize that I was trying to prove (unnecessarily) that I’m okay with them talking about things that I want but can’t have.

I didn’t give them credit for knowing me better than that. I assumed that they would think I wasn’t okay with it.

UGH!

The truth is that I LOVE it when they talk about all that stuff. Not once have I ever thought any my friends were being insensitive, I’ve only thought they might worry that I thought they were.

I have learned so much from them that I may or may not have figured out on my own.

Okay, enough of this infertility crap, it’s certainly does not define who I am and was not the sole purpose for starting a blog. I’m not sure why I started it but so far I’m enjoying it and plan to keep it up. I think my life is interesting, or at least close representation of the word.

Yesterday-
Breakfast- Peppers and Onion Omelet with cheese- coffee with cream and sugar
Lunch- Leftover Cheeseburger
Dinner- Sauteed potatoes, onions, sausage and chard with a side of mushroom and leeks and a salad with cranberries and almonds.
Dessert- 2 scratch-made soft chocolate cookies topped with berries and my first time everfresh whipped cream. (man did my wrist hurt!)