Quick update on the Crossfit goings-on.  First, I got things squared away with my gym.  It took some persistence on my part due to a miscommunication on their part but they waived the foundations fee and provided me with a free one-on-one training session, so yay!  I completed the training and both foundations classes last week so yay, again!

Today was my first real class.  Oh man.

I was soooooooooooo nervous.  There are not enough “O’s” in the world to adequately express the anxiety I was feeling before I left my house.  Like I told Brett, I wanted to crawl into bed, cry and vomit all at the same time.  This is a feeling I’ve had many times in the past; one that would keep me from doing things that I knew I wanted to do but just couldn’t bring myself to actually DO!  I can’t put my finger on what’s different these days except that I keep telling myself “things will not get better or easier if you don’t actually DO them.”  It’s like a mantra.  It’s what I tell myself when I’m run(ish)ing and I want to quit.  It’s what I say when I’m working out and my muscles are tired and shaky and when I’m feeling wobbly and like I can’t go any further or do anymore.

After reading the above paragraph, it may come as a surprise to find out that I’m not much of a self-motivator; it’s just not my nature.  I need an audience.  It’s what has driven me as an actor, singer, writer…and now worker-outer-er.  That’s why I’m doing Crossfit.  Because I know that if I am in a small group with a steady trainer/trainers I am being held accountable AND I have an audience to impress…even though I’m not so impressive right now.   Which brings me to the next part of my first Crossfit class.  MODIFICATION!

Not only am I not a good self-motivator (even though I’m working on that) and not only do I require an audience in order to accomplish…much of anything, I’m also a perfectionist, hence my “I’mperfect Life”.  I don’t like to do things unless I’m good at them.  If I try something for the first time and I’m a natural, awesome!  If I try something for the first time and I’m mediocre, it’s likely that I will never try that something again.  If I try something and I downright suck at it, HA…never again!  Nope!  Not gonna happen– Which is why my new mantra is…well….new!

Being in a class with others who are way more fit than I am would normally be an instant turn off. As much as I’d like to say that it’s actually a good thing, that it helps motivate me, that’s just not true.  I KNOW that I will get better, stronger and faster.  I KNOW that I’ve already come a long way in these past 9 months.  I KNOW that other class members have been doing all this stuff for a while and have made improvements themselves…but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s hard to be the worst.

When they are doing full-on burpees and I’m doing a modified version or when they’re doing full-on back squats and I’m in the corner doing medicine ball squats…it’s VERY apparent that I am no where near where they are when it comes to fitness.  Don’t compare yourself to others they say.  Meh…that’s what I say.

So for now, I have to fight my urge to crawl into bed, cry and vomit.  I have to keep telling myself that if I keep doing it, I will get better but for now it’s just gonna  suck.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not discouraged, just…aware of just how much work I have ahead of me. This is the first time in my life that I am tackling something that I’m not good at.  For that I am extremely proud…but man oh man do I have a LONG way to go!

Oh the self-deprecation!  HA!