Though I am not looking to leave my husband I do have to admit that I wish things were different…very different. I constantly struggle with how to “deal” with the changes that have taken place in our marriage. I hadn’t realized until about six months post-op that a majority of our relationship was based on being “bad”. We were BOTH overweight. We BOTH liked to eat crap. We BONDED over gluttonous food choices, late night Taco Bell runs, eating entire bags of chips and packages of cookies while watching a movie marathon on our couch. Sad but true…
This is a blog that I’ve been meaning to write for a long time, like a REALLY long time but I’ve put it off, waiting for the right time to express my thoughts and opinions intellectually without too much emotion. So here it goes.
When I decided to have gastric bypass surgery people would ask me and my 350lbs husband, usually at the same time, if he was worried that I would leave him when I lost the weight. This didn’t just happen once or twice, this was a very common question that came from just about everyone we told that I was having surgery. It was usually followed by a statement that was meant to be a compliment to me like, “she’s beautiful now, what’s going to happen when she’s skinny and hot?”
Being the slightly narcissistic person I am, I did take it as a compliment but my husband felt differently about those types of statements. He took it as a direct insult and looking back I can see exactly how and why he would feel that way. In fact, I should have taken it that way too. After all, those kinds of questions and statements make it sound like we were only together because we were both fat- like we were the best the other person could get.
I don’t know statistics but I do have personal experience with friends and friends of friends that have had gastric bypass surgery who ended up in divorce. This does seem to be a common side-effect of losing a significant amount of weight, but why?
I believe it varies based on the individual and the relationship but typically based on one of three factors:
One- The person who loses the weight becomes very focused on themselves. They become obsessed with losing weight, exercising, buying new clothes, changing their hair because for the first time in a very long time, perhaps in their entire life, they are feeling good about the way they look. They begin taking more pride in their appearance and begin getting noticed by others, they start feeling more attractive and desirable. This type of attention is addictive. Everyone wants to feel desired, it’s just a part of who we are as humans, so once that begins to happen we crave it more and more, especially if it has never happened before. That feeling takes over and becomes more powerful than the feelings we have for our spouse and…we end up divorced.
Two- The relationship was not worth maintaining prior to the weight loss but the person who lost the weight didn’t have the self esteem necessary to leave the relationship. In this case, the weight loss is merely the avenue that allows the person to leave. There are other factors that could have the same effect like a new job, a new friend, a large sum of money…anything that makes the person feel empowered and able to leave; no longer dependent on the person they are leaving.
Three- The “other person” gets left behind. Though I think this is probably the least likely reason for divorce after gastric bypass or significant weight loss, it s the one I know the best. This is what is happening in my own marriage.
Before I go any further let me assure you that I am not leaving my husband. I love him very much but I’d be lying if I said that these issues that I’m about to share with you didn’t exist.
When I decided to have gastric bypass surgery, I told my husband that my life was going to change. I told him that I had planned to do the things I had always wanted to do and that as much as I wanted to do them WITH him, I wouldn’t let him stop me if he wasn’t willing/able to do them too.
I had always seen myself as an active person trapped inside a fat body. I wanted to be outdoorsy and adventurous but I wasn’t physically able to do the things I wanted to do. I knew that when I lost the weight, that would all change. The whole reason I decided to have gastric bypass was so I COULD do those things and it worked. If you follow my blog regularly then you know that these days I am pretty fit. I’m not skinny but I am living the life I had always seen for my life.
I am extremely proud of myself and I’m absolutely loving my new lifestyle, however, it has definitely taken a bit of a toll on my marriage. Deep breath…
I often wonder how different things would be if he lost weight too. Would he want to do mud runs with me? Would he being willing to go whitewater rafting? Hiking? Camping? Do Crossfit? He says “yes” but it’s hard to know for sure. All I know is that those are the things I want to share with him. I don’t care about attention from other men. I’m not in a bad relationship that requires improved self-esteem in order to get out. I just want to be able to SHARE my LIFE with my husband.
It’s tough. Really, really, tough but I am being patient. I am living my life the way I want to live it every day, hoping that eventually…SOON? my husband and I will be able to bond at the finish line of a race, over a campfire in the woods or while working out in the gym. I have faith that it WILL happen. Until then I will continue to love my husband and feel grateful to be loved by someone who accepts me just the way I am. When it boils down to any relationship. that is what’s important. That is what we all want. That is what we all need.
READ BRETT’S RESPONSE TO THIS POST HERE
And the Video Follow Up HERE—> Brett and Andrea on WLS and Divorce
Update to this post…
This post was originally written in May of 2013. As of October 2016 we are still happily married (most of the time, because let’s be honest, marriage is ALWAYS hard!) and we have a beautiful baby boy. We have been through lots of ups and downs but we continue to communicate our needs and work towards living our best, happy, healthy, I’mperfect Life, together!
PRESS HIGHLIGHTS
You hit the nail on the head. So many of us have issues with our relationships that are a direct result of weight loss, surgery induced or not. I am actually on the other side as my s/o is fit and thin and I feel like I need to keep up and be involved with the running or he may find someone that can. I have been with men in the past that had no motivation to do anything physical and at this point in life, I couldn’t be around that. I think it would mess with my head and will power to work out and do physical activities. Relationships are hard and the release of hormones that comes with weight loss makes them very difficult. Good luck ladies, I hope everything works out for the best!
Yes, relationships are very difficult no matter the exact circumstances. Good luck to you too!
Have you checked out the biggest loser off road challenges? They have them at a lot of the spartan races and they are a great way for him to enjoy the Spartan race with you without the pressure of running a timed event. Here is the link for them http://biggestloserrunwalk.com/challenge. If you google some videos from it you will see the people that do the events and the Spartans that help them along. It is a great accomplishment and might get him into the spirit of things.
Thanks, Gary. I did see the Biggest Loser Off Road guys at the Spartan I did in March. It was pretty cool so see so many people working towards the same goal, overcoming so many obstacles…literally and figuratively. 🙂
This is such an important topic for WLS patients to consider, and I think there are very few couples that aren’t affected by one of the three situations you mentioned. I’m 15 months post-op, and my relationship feels different. I’m happy with where things are at…he’s a fit guy that I’m finally able to keep up with (for the most part). But I’m having a hard time dealing with the way our relationship was when I’d “totally given up on life” (his words). I never gave up, and I finally was successful in a struggle that had vexed me for most of my life.
Being kind and understanding…and communicating…are key.
I completely agree. There are so many things that change and affect us after surgery that we don’t see coming. It’s impossible to know what they will be beforehand but it’s important to know that along with the positive changes, unforeseen challenges will occur whether in a relationship, a job, self-identity, etc…change is hard.