Big head much, Andrea?

No, not at all.  Seriously.

This is something I am struggling with right now so I am putting it out there where I can see it and now you can too…

So many amazing things are happening in my life right now.  Er, actually they’ve been happening for a while now…pretty much the better part of a year; ever since I started doing things like creating I’mperfect Life and racing and working out and studying and sharing my (cringe) amazing  journey with others.  I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that amazing things are happening in my life because I am making them happen– this is very hard for me to see and even more so, to say.

An I’mperfect Lifer messaged me the other day saying that she was terrified because she was going to be interviewed by the Spartan Race team about her weight loss and fitness accomplishments.  She was very concerned because she didn’t think she deserved to be recognized and didn’t think her story was worthy of attention.  I quickly responded saying, “Stop whining, you’re going to do great. There is nothing wrong with being nervous as long as you use it to fuel you. If you make a big deal about it you give it too much power and the result will be that you and others will lose confidence in you. You’ve come too far to let that happen.  Don’t doubt yourself and no one else will doubt you either!”

A couple days later a friend of mine posted on FB that she didn’t deserve the amazing life she was living to which I responded, “[You are]so totally deserving. We get what we give. Just remember that. This didn’t happen to you, it happened because of you.”

In both instances those words just flew out of my fingers without a second thought. I was preaching words of truth, words of wisdom– truth and wisdom that I TOTALLY believe in but find difficult to put into action within my own life.   I have been ruminating over this for the past week; realizing that I really, REALLY struggle with practicing what I (apparently) preach.  But why?

This is what I’ve come up with and how I plan to resolve it…

It’s hard because I see myself as “just me”.  I am living my life every day, washing dishes, feeding the dog, cleaning the litter box, peeing, pooping, farting and burping.  My house is messy, my yard needs to be mowed and my car needs a good detailing (or even just a vacuum!) soon!  Yet people are constantly telling me that I’m inspirational, amazing and awesome.  Fortunately I have enough self-esteem MOST days (damn hormones) to feel lik I’m pretty fricken cool.  MOST days I am able to recognize that I’ve come a long way.  I am proud of myself for not being afraid to try new things and I know that I’m a genuinely good person but it’s still hard for me to see myself the way others see me.  When people compliment me or mention my success, whether it’s my weight loss or this blog, I get REALLY uncomfortable.  I feel like I want to curl up in a small ball and peek out from behind my fingers and say “thank you” because that’s what you’re supposed to say and then close my eyes and pretend like it’s not happening.  It’s so weird and I don’t know why that happens.  I’m NOT shy…AT ALL!  But for some reason I have a hard time accepting accolades for what I see as just me being me.

It’s weird, as I’m typing this I am thinking about how I submitted my life-changing story to Reebok Spartan in order to be interviewed for a Reebok commercial.  THAT didn’t phase me.  THAT was awesome.  THAT was something I felt good about— what the crap?!

Hold on!  Is this a dichotomy?  I still have yet to use (or figure out how to use) that word!  I feel certain that I will never know how to use that damned word!  Ugh.   Actually, I believe the right words is “ironic”.  Scratch that, no dichotomy here, just IRONY!

Anyway…

My point is that I need to believe in myself and realize that others believe in me too.   This is about me not just accepting my accomplishments but being PROUD of them.  I have SO much to be proud of!  I mean really, really proud and if others are taking notice, if others are proud of me too, if others are inspired by my achievements and want to help me celebrate them then I need to be okay with that…not just okay with it, but THRILLED about it!

So…this it.  This is where I decide to accept praise and recognize the impact that my life and experience is having on others not because I’m full of myself but because it’s true.  This does not mean that I am going to walk around like my shit doesn’t stink…it does, trust me– especially after a splurge day.  This means that I am going to accept compliments with a “thank you” instead of self deprecating come backs.  (however, this doesn’t mean I’m not going to tell the truth, which is sometimes interpreted as self deprecation- like when my compression wear is taking 2 inches off my hips)  I will be flattered when people want to share my stories with others instead of feeling embarrassed or unworthy.   I am going to be excited about what the future holds and I am not going to let my own self-doubt get in the way of my goals and aspirations.

That little voice that tells me people are just being nice or that what I’m doing isn’t really a big deal or that I’m incapable of achieving the next baby step in my plan for bigger and better things is no longer welcome.

I am surrounded by awesome people who encourage and motivate me to do awesome things.

To take a sip of my own medicine:  Awesome things are happening to me because I am making them happen.  I am awesome.  Maybe even FAWESOME.

I’mperfectly fawesome.

Doh!

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