When I took my most recent before and now pictures I was shocked to see what I look like in photos– my body, my face…my fake hair!  It was all very surreal.  Even though I see myself in the mirror multiple times a day I hadn’t really gotten the full picture of how much I have changed…physically.  I knew that I was smaller and stronger and that my body feels different- muscles and bones really do exist!  But I’ve been stuck in my fat frame of mind.

I’ve heard people say that it takes a while for your brain to catch up to your body when you lose a significant amount of weight, but I didn’t really understand what they meant until I realized it was happening to me.

Blah, blah, blah…Let me get to the point!

Here’s the thing.  It’s not just about my brain still thinking that I’m fat, like assuming I won’t fit in a chair or booth at a restaurant or automatically going to the plus-size section at a store, it more about assuming everyone still sees me as a fat person and using my fat as an excuse to do or not do certain things.

Even at my heaviest I didn’t let my size create many insecurities- there were some, sometimes, but for the most part I came across as very confident and unless someone could read my mind they would just think that it didn’t phase me at all.  Of course they were wrong, but that’s beside the point. The thing is, that I sort of used my fat to my advantage- like I’d tell myself that people were impressed with me for doing the things I did even though I was fat- like dancing at a club or riding my bike around my neighborhood. But these days, the fat has had the opposite affect.

It was glaringly obvious to me how I perceive myself when I arrived at the Spartan Race last weekend. When I got there I suddenly felt so out of place.  Like people where wondering why on earth I was there and who did I think I was, showing up to and event like THIS! I noticed it right away and instantly made myself think about the pictures I had taken just a couple days prior. I tried hard to convince myself that I fit in but I just couldn’t.  A big part of this, I believe, is because I’m treating myself like a fat person who is incapable of being better, stronger, faster.  I’m sure this makes me sound like a walking contradiction if you’ve read previous posts of mine where I talk about how I AM all of those things but…I don’t know…something happened within the last week or so that made me realize that even thought I AM all of those things, I don’t necessarily believe it…or something. Ugh!

Let’s take running for instance.  I just assume that I’m gong to be the slowest because I’m still fat or at least fatter than other people who run.  So instead of pushing myself to do it more, to go faster and longer I just excuse my disinterest, slowness and lack of endurance.  Same with our Crossfit WODS- I have been the slowest and weakest since I started, I just accepted that and have allowed that to remain my norm.  Even though I am improving, I don’t even try to be better, faster or stronger than anyone else.

This is unacceptable.

So I’ve decided, it’s time to let go of being fat. It’s time to stop using that as an excuse for not pushing myself.  It’s time to work harder to improve, not just let it happen over time, however long that might take. It’s time to kick my own ass.  I’m not fragile.  I’m not going to break. I don’t need DAYS to recover from a hard workout, race or other physically demanding activity.  It’s okay to consider myself an athlete and to treat myself as such.

It’s time to STOP BEING FAT and time to START BEING A BAD ASS!  I need to get out of my head and into my body.

I need to stop seeing myself as I was six months ago, which is wear my brain seems to be stuck:


And start seeing myself like this:


I don’t really know what THIS, mostly I just like this picture. But I do know that I held this handstand for 30 seconds 4 times today during our crossfit WOD and THAT’s because I am strong. I am capable. I am improving. I am not fat.

Are you making excuses to hold yourself back?  Tell me in the comments below or on Facebook.  I want to know.

Let’s kick our butts into gear!

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