When my husband and I met back in 2007, a huge part of the foundation of our relationship was eating fast food together, while watching TV.

It was basically one of our favorite pastimes. We connected by over-indulging in what others would likely consider shameful behaviors. We enabled each other to overeat, and basically made it one of the few “activities” we did together.

You can keep reading this or you can get the story and tips in my video on or , or listen to it on your favorite podcast app! (Except Apple Podcast. I’m not on there yet.)

husband and wife on a boat

During our “festivities” it felt fun, but afterwards I always felt like shit– physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’d tell myself I didn’t want to eat like that anymore, that I wasn’t going to eat like that anymore, but every time he wanted to indulge, I couldn’t resist. I lived in a constant shame spiral, felt totally out of control, and couldn’t figure out how to find my “willpower” so I could stop this destructive behavior.

A few weeks ago, I asked the I’mperfect Life Community the following question:

“If you’re a serial dieter, what do you believe is your number one challenge that keeps you in the endless cycle of diet-fail-repeat?”

One of the responses I got was:

“[I] lack self control and my husband, he doesn’t help. [He] doesn’t like anything really healthy. And he will always eat 2 or 3 hours after we’ve eaten dinner and its always junk he wants or to go and get late night fast food. Then he forever grabs extra for me and says he forgot that I’m trying to lose weight.”

I was like, yep! I totally get that! I remember feeling like that, but it doesn’t have to be that way. It is possible to stay with your partner and feel in control of yourself, your body, and your choices.

“Sabotaging” partners are often blamed for our “failures.” I know I blamed my husband for mine, in the past. But when I was totally honest with myself I realized that he wasn’t sabotaging me, I was sabotaging myself by believing it was his fault.

I was “making” him sabotage me.

I wasn’t asking him to “sabotage” me, but I was enabling him to do so, because ultimately, it was what I wanted. I wanted the fast food, the ice cream, the chips, the candy. I just didn’t want to take responsibility for eating it. (He wasn’t force feeding me.) When I decided I was done living in a body that was preventing me from living my ideal life, I made necessary changes inside and out, including changes in my relationship with my husband. IT wasn’t him, it was me. I needed to do the work, but I also needed his help so could I feel empowered to lose the weight I so desperately wanted to lose. I took responsibility, set some clear boundaries, and asked him to support me. He honored that. And as my relationship with myself, my body, and with food, changed, I was able to feel more in control and am no longer subject to “sabotage.”

If you are in a “sabotaging” relationship, check out my latest video and podcast episode (yes, the podcast is back!) where I shared more about my story and tips for how to navigate this challenge.

I’m calling the episode…“How to End Partner Sabotage When You’re Trying to Lose Weight on a Diet”

You can watch it on or or listen on your favorite podcast app! (Except Apple Podcast. I’m not on there yet.)

If you’re in a “sabotaging” relationship consider these tips to help you achieve your weight loss goals…

Take Responsibility (no guilt or shame required)

If we want to improve our lives we have to be willing to take responsibility for ourselves and our choices. In the early years (when I first set out to lose 164lbs pounds) I didn’t have the “willpower” (habits and mindset) to avoid certain foods. If foods I enjoyed were present, I ate them. I felt like I didn’t have any control over myself in the presence of food. I didn’t trust myself and didn’t know how to NOT eat. But I realized that if I was going to improve my eating habits, my body, and my life, I needed to take responsibility. So I told my husband that I needed to create some boundaries with food.

Create Boundaries (that honor yourself, your body, and your goals)

Like I said, in the early days, I didn’t have the mindset or habits to make the choices that I needed to make if I wanted to improve my quality of life. Because of that I knew I needed to create some boundaries. I told my husband that I didn’t want junk food coming in the house. If he wanted to buy chips and cookies, for his lunch at work, he needed to keep them in his car. I told him that if he wanted to eat fast food, he’d need to eat it at the restaurant, not on the couch. I made sure that the “temptations” weren’t easily accessible. It wasn’t that I had planned to never eat these  foods again, it was just that I knew I needed a clean environment to allow me to easily make choices that honor myself, my body, and my goals.

Ask for support from your partner (because you deserve it!)

Asking him for help didn’t mean he was responsible for me, it meant he was supporting me. I knew that I couldn’t accomplish my goals alone, and I needed him to help. He loves me and wants to see me happy, healthy, and thriving, so he is willing to do what he can in order to help me make that happen. Fact: We all deserve to be with someone who respects us, loves us, honors us, supports us, and wants to see us live our best life. If your partner isn’t willing to do this, it’s time to ask, “why?”

If your partner isn’t supporting you, ask, “why?”

It could be that he/she doesn’t want to support you because they don’t want to change, and they want you to enable them to keep doing what they’re doing. If this is the case, it’s time to have some serious conversations about what’s important to both of you and how you want to live your lives together. In the long-run, you’ll probably be able to work it out with honest communication, just as you would any other tough subject in your relationship. However, there are other, more destructive reasons a partner might not be willing to support your efforts which need to be addressed.

Now, this is really a subject that requires a whole other post, but it needs to be mentioned, at least briefly, because I have seen too many women in relationships with partners who want to keep them “fat”.

Sometimes it’s because the partner has insecurities and worries that if their wife is thin, she’ll leave them. To which, I say, “You’re an asshole who’s obviously not good enough for her, for many reasons, in addition to believing she’s not desirable by others, as long as she’s fat!”

Another common reason is that the person likes larger women and wants to keep her large. To which, I say, “She’s more than her body. You don’t get to decide what she does with her body, or how she lives in it. She deserves someone who will love her for who she is, who will support her in living the life she wants to live, in a body that allows her to do that.” (The size and weight of our bodies don’t determine our value, but they do directly impact our quality of life.)

If you’re the woman at the other end of this relationship, I say to you: You deserve to be more than a fetish.

Ultimately, if you want to lose weight, you’re allowed to make that happen! You’re capable of making that happen. You deserve to be in a relationship that encourages you to make that happen– if you want to make it happen. (You do not deserve to be in a relationship that is dependent on you making that happen.)

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Do you have a “sabotaging partner” who’s preventing you from sticking to your diet, habits, and weight loss goals because you don’t have the “willpower” or “self-control” to “resist” temptation?

If you do, you’re not alone. Please know that it doesn’t have to be that way. Take back your power! No willpower needed!