Okay, so I know it’s only been a week since I wrote this big long post about how I was okay with living in limbo. I know that I told you all about how I was working on focusing on things that didn’t involve making progress in the box (CrossFit gym) while Brett and I are “trying to not try” to get pregnant. And I know that I told you that I’m just focusing on taking care of myself in other ways besides counting calories or training for a big event like a race or a competition, but…

I changed my mind.

After writing that post and then sitting with it for a few days, I realized that all of that just hanging out, waiting to get pregnant is the complete opposite of what I actually want right now. I feel like I sound like an insane person, but if I have a feeling I’m not alone in my, “I reserve the right to change my mind, even if that makes me look like I’m completely nuts” way of doing things.

I just find that sometimes I have to commit to something in order to realize what it is that I REALLY want. Committing to limbo was one of those things.

The whole infertility conundrum can be read about HERE, but to summarize, I dealt with infertility for so long (before I lost 164lbs) that I got tired of it. I was emotionally drained from the constant roller coaster of “Am I or am I not pregnant?” that I decided I just didn’t want to do it anymore. We ended up becoming foster parents in 2010 and then eventually decided parenthood wasn’t for us at all. But by fall of 2014 we had talked ourselves back into giving it the old college try.

When Brett and I decided to start (not) trying to get pregnant last fall (AKA I had my IUD removed so we could just “see what happens”) it was a shock when I got pregnant that first month. The subsequent miscarriage in January brought back that emotional roller coaster from years past and the months since have basically just been me floundering around trying to figure out what the hell I want– while (not) trying to get pregnant, AKA living in limbo.

Last week was the pinnacle of all things emo. I was pretty convinced that I was pregnant– so convinced in fact that I went and got a blood test because I didn’t believe the home pg tests that were telling me no. It was eating me alive. I felt like I couldn’t function. I was angry and sad and irritable all day, every day. (Brett took it like a champ) I couldn’t decide if I was happy about being pregnant (unconfirmed of course) or angry that I wasn’t.  The limbo that I told you about became more like hell, especially because I had this startling revelation…

I’m NOT okay with living in limbo. I’m NOT okay with just letting things “be.” I’m not okay with not being okay!

I know that limbo is part of getting pregnant, and I think I’d be okay there if we were actively trying, like tracking and planning and all that fun stuff, because that in itself is very much NOT limbo. But I can’t live in this, “eh we’ll just go about our daily lives and see what happens” kind of place. I’m just not cut out for that, especially because there are SO many things I want to do that aren’t conducive with being pregnant.

So we have a new plan. Well, I have a new plan and Brett is being very supportive.

The biggest, most important revelation that I had after publishing the “limbo post” is that I feel like I didn’t finish what I started.

Before I go any further, it’s important to recognize that there’s no end to this “journey” (I hate that word) but I was so close to being exactly where I wanted to be last May when everything kind of went to shit and spiraled downward (ironically just after posting my viral Ugly Body post) or the following 8 months until I plateaued where I’ve been now, since February. Just hanging out…in limbo!

I feel like I’m sounding more insane as I continue to write this! Just let me get it all out and maybe it will make sense.

Okay, so LAST WEEK (yes we’re back to last week again because that’s when the “I haven’t finished what I started” epiphany happened) after I got a negative pg blood test confirmation…and then my period the next freaking day– SERIOUSLY?!?!  GAH! Anyway, after that confirmation I decided that I need to do something for ME, something that gets me excited and feeling my best. I need to take a break from this emo stuff, from the pregnancy stuff, from all of the setbacks of 2014 and REALLY focus on getting back to where I was, where I want to be.  I need to get back to TRAINING!

 

Good gawd this post is long.

Not just training, like hanging out in the gym more often but REALLY training, FOR something! I haven’t trained for an event in almost two years and last week’s breakdown made me realize that that’s what’s missing in my life right now. It’s also something I need to do so I can move forward with other things, like having babies.

Now I realize that having a child doesn’t mean that I can never train for anything ever again, but we’re looking at at least another year or two depending on how long it takes me to get pregnant and I’m just not willing to wait that long.

So to make this post just a little longer and really, FINALLY get to the point…

I have registered for the Garage Games Master’s Tour Competition (A CrossFit competition for athletes 35 years+) that will be taking place in my home box on September 26th! (yes I’m of Master’s age, which is why the baby making needs to happen soon if it’s going to happen!)

I have created a training plan for myself that includes fat loss (still haven’t lost the pg/mc weight from the first of the year because I just keep losing and gaining the same 10lbs) and shoulder rehab– the whole reason I stopped training last year.

I’ll share the details in a separate post since this one has really turned into a ramble-fest. But needless to say, I feel SO MUCH BETTER! I’m absolutely thrilled about this goal and my plan! And I can’t wait to see how these next few months unfold.

I hadn’t realized just how much of a funk I’ve been in for almost a year now, I guess it just sort of became my normal. But having this decision made, which involves a defined goal and a clear plan, makes me feel complete!

COMPLETELY HAPPY and EXCITED and MOTIVATED to do more and be FASTER, STRONGER, BETTER inside AND OUT!

Stay tuned for progress updates! It’s bound to be a bumpy next few months, but if all goes as planned, I will be kicking some serious CrossFit ass on September 26th, 2015!